Why So Afraid?

Ezekiel 21:7 And when they ask you, “Why are you groaning?” you shall say, “Because of the news that is coming. Every heart will melt with fear and every hand go limp; every spirit will become faint and every leg will be wet with urine.’

Okay, not the touchy feely devotional you may be used to.  In light of yesterday's events in Boston, heck let's just take it further cause we all know that such events are happening everywhere in the world.  You start to wonder, am I safe? Are my children safe?  And where is God through all this? 

It’s interesting that when it comes to extreme fear even the bible talks about ‘pee in your pants fear’ granted some versions to say ‘weak in the knees’ or ‘weak as water’ or ‘rubbery in the legs’ but it is extreme fear none the less.  Fear does strange things to us, it triggers a response inside of either fight or flight as our adrenalin kicks in and unless you have personally experienced this extreme fear, the idea of being so frightened that you literally wet yourself can sometimes be humorous or ridiculous - at least to read it.  We believe that we live in a culture that for the most part is safe and secure from things that might frighten us.  But come close to being in a car accident or come home to find that your neighbor was robbed or hear that the school your friends child attends was under lock down because of a drug house that is near there and you start to wonder about your safe and secure world.  Fear, as much as we want to deny it is alive and well in our society and every day seems to bring more reasons to be afraid.

If you’re a mom, I hope you never have to experience what I’m about to tell you and if you have my heart understands.  I remember my times of extreme fear, when my insides were like water, when there was nothing I could do but watch helplessly as my young daughter fought for her life, not once but twice.  It is the kind of fear that robs you of everything you think you know, it steals the breath out of you and every day you live it feels like a never ending day.  There are no words that anyone can say that will alleviate this fear, no pat answer, no wise antidote.  It is the kind of fear that you have no choice but to face and walk through.  The first time I barely realized that I had this great big God along for the ride and that He was the only reason that both her and I made it through and I didn't even really realize that I was being carried by Him until I finally got to the point where I was walking again on my own (thank you Lord) - the trauma was that great.   Recalling that fear is a fresh today as it was 20 years ago and the pain just as real.  God didn't calm the storm that raged around me that time but he helped me to stay calm so that I could care for my child during those dark and terrible days, weeks, months and even years. The second time was slightly different as my daughter had caregivers that were assisting us, which gave me more time to pray and audibly hear God tell me “I saved her once, I will save her again” and I knew she would live - I will never forget that.  Every time she gets sick or is in the hospital I battle another bout of fear for her life and every time God reminds me that she is in His care and not mine - my mother's heart still struggles in fear, I haven’t quite conquered it and I’m not entirely sure I will but it does comfort me knowing that no matter what she is well taken care of by a God that is so much GREATER than I and that He also knows my heart.

While I was studying for this, I did a biblical word search for Do Not be Afraid and I got four pages of scriptures where God says DO NOT BE AFRAID and as I read these words I realized something. God was telling me in BOLD CAPITAL LETTERS DO NOT BE AFRAID.  And I wept.  John 14:27 says - Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and DO NOT BE AFRAID. 

Waiting

Isaiah 40:28-31

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the Lord, The Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable.  He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might he increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly, yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.

I’m not very good at waiting, waiting for an appointment, waiting in a line up, waiting at a traffic light, waiting behind slow moving vehicles, my lack of patient's rears its ugly head as I determine that I would really rather be somewhere else and in a much faster time frame than what I am dealing with in that moment.  But nothing has taught me more about the value of waiting then waiting on God.  Waiting for Him to bring something new into my life or to change some circumstance or to bring a new person into my life.

In the last 10 years and more specifically the last 6 years since I have begun my healing journey,  I have begun to realize how much of myself I had lost, how weary I had become, how much of my strength was gone.  I had given up my own sense of worth and dignity to a relationship that was very destructive even as I tried to honor God in it.  Being single I have come to the realization that my troubles didn't start with this bad relationship, I had lost myself before I met him.  It was during this earlier lost time that God had found me and I gave myself to Jesus.  Unfortunately, I had no idea that he wasn't done with me and that I needed to wait on Him before stepping into new things - I didn't wait.  Being in a relationship, any relationship, was so important to me, I had to have it.  I knew that I didn't want to be by myself, I didn't want to wait, I didn't want to wait for God to turn me into the kind of person he wanted me to be, to mold me and make me into the woman of God He knew I could be and to possibly wait for the right person to enter my life when I was emotionally and spiritually mature enough for a relationship.

Waiting, I’m just not good at it.  So, after a lot of years being single I now find myself somewhat back into that same thought - it would be so nice to have a companion, someone of God’s choosing - not mine - someone with integrity, someone who loves God like I do.  Needless to say, I’m still waiting but now I have a choice, I can wait on God or I can run ahead and do this my own way.  I've chosen to wait and being a person who can’t wait this has been a huge struggle for me but in that waiting I've discovered something very interesting, I’m discovering me.   I am gaining new strength, I am finding my worth and gaining back my dignity.  I am also, finding that God has things to say through my experiences, I am writing again and He is teaching me. Through His grace and mercy He has applied this verse to my life - He never grew weary of me, he never lacked the strength to see me through all the difficult circumstances that I have gone through or brought upon myself and he is showing me that one day I will soar like the eagle.